Diego Luna + Memaw Make-Up = Katy Perry’s New Video
Here’s Katy Perry melting the prosthetic old lady mask off of her face with the piping hot raw emotion seeping out of her pores in the music video for her new single “The One That Got Away.” Bitch is giving us melodrama and theater in this one. Katy plays some rich ass old ho who sits in her fancy house thinking about how she used to make the sex with that hot piece Diego Luna back in the day. I regularly sit around in my apartment thinking about fucking Diego Luna, so I can relate to this story. But really, if you’re some old millionairess who wishes Diego Luna was still around to hump on, you wouldn’t sit on your bed and think about it. You’d bump off your rich husband, collect the money, go down to Mexico City and buy a Diego Luna look-alike. That’s what you’d do.
On a serious note: the lesson to be learned here is never stare at a pink veil while driving. If you do, you’ll accidentally drive to your death and come back as a mute ghost who Katy Perry visits from time to time. The worst part is that you’ll never be able to yell at her stupid ass for keeping her veil in the car visor. Who keeps a veil in the car visor?!
Open Post: Hosted By Biggie’s Newest Fan
We know which side of the East Playground-West Playground feud she’s on.
via Oh Hell Nawl
Shocking: Pimp Mama Kris Spits Out Lies For Profit
As soon as you tag this picture with “This Is Our Future, Part I Lost Track Because It’s Hard To Count While Weeping” and file it under “RIP Humanity,” please contact Child Protective Services. The parents of these children must be arrested for allowing their own to buy this generation’s Mein Kampf. Now that we’ve gotten that business out of the way….
Pimp Mama Kris further proved that the dead organ in her chest is made from the worst stuff in Hell last week when she whored out her new memoirs by talking about the chapters that she devotes to her supposed friend Nicole Brown Simpson. Kris summoned a wave of eye rolls when she claimed that Nicole let out a subtle cry for help during a phone call the two had the day of the murder. Kris also wrote in her book that Nicole told her about a safe deposit box where she kept all the evidence of the abuse she suffered at the hand of OJ. Kris’ version of the story is that after the murder, Nicole’s sister Denise Brown asked her about the safe deposit box. Denise’s version of the story is that Kris is completely stuffed with shit and is a satanic whore monster for trying to beat coins out of her dead sister’s grave. We’ve all seen crucifixes turn and fall off the wall when Kris walks by, so this isn’t surprising news to any of us.
Denise went to The National Enquirer and gave them her side:
“Kris Jenner IS pathetic. I had just found out my sister was murdered. The last thing on my mind was whether or not Nicole showed anyone any pictures she had in a safety deposit box. In fact, I didn’t even know my sister HAD a safety deposit box with pictures of her abuse until the beginning of O.J.’s trial – months after she was murdered.
I think most people will question her intentions of writing about my sister’s murder,” Denise fumed. “I am really disappointed in Kris. For the past two-and-a-half years, my family has had some relative peace regarding all of this stuff. Now that Kris has brought it up again, she’s split open the healing wounds.
For her to write about it is like reliving it all over again. My poor mother is really taking it hard. Haven’t they made enough? Nicole has been dead for 17 years. Please, Kris, don’t profit off of my sister’s horrible death.”
The machine counting all the money Kris is making off of Nicole Simpson’s death is really loud, so I doubt she can hear anything Denise is saying. But once she gets Denise’s message, I’m sure she’ll do the right thing and donate all proceeds from the sale of her evil book to charity. Oh wait. That won’t happen. Giving away money given to you by your brainwashed fans is a form of “Indian Giving” and Kris is way too classy to do that.
Leonardo DiCatchAHo Goes Shopping At The Victoria’s Secret Show
Page Six reports that at the after-party for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show the other night, Leonardo DiCatchAHo strolled in with a gift registry scanner in hand, ready to scan the barcodes on all the models he wants for Christmas. But one source says that 37-year-old Leo (Happy Birfday, Leo!) put down his scanner when his eyes landed on 19-year-old model Karlie Kloss. Leo mostly stayed at his table with Gay Fish, Lukas Haas and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but his gaze stayed fixed on Karlie’s barely legal ass. The George Clooney-ing of Leo has officially begun.
The source said that Leo kept trolling around the party for models before settling into the “boys’ table” to stare at Karlie, “He couldn’t take his eyes off her….but it wasn’t clear whether he made a move.”
Leo would never make a move at a party. Leo is a born romantic, a total gentlemen and completely traditional. If Leo wants a date with Karlie, he’ll order her through the Victoria’s Secret catalog and make sure to get a receipt just in case he has to return her for talking too much (that’s option “d” on the return order form).
Leo is seriously a beige windbreaker and a moustache away from being that creeper who trolls college campuses looking for young girls he can go up to and say, “Has anybody told you that you can be a model?” One of those creepers types pulled that on my friend once and gave her a flyer for a totally fake modeling agency. This broke ass flyer didn’t have a telephone number on it, but it did have an e-mail address that read something like: assman67@hotmail.com. What kind of sexual predator really thinks that a girl is going to fall for an e-mail address like that? No serious modeling agency would ever use Hotmail.
Meanwhile, a source says that Jakey Gyllenhaal was at the same party and spent 30 minutes talking to Brazilian model Izabel Goulart. Yes, talking. That’s what we’re calling “a beard fitting” these days.
What In The Cowardly Lion Hell?
Shoes should not look like they have hairy bunions oozing out shit on them, but try telling that to Christian Louboutin who is telling hos they better empty out their pocketbooks into his hands if they want some Siegfried & Roy shit on their feets.
I mean, has it really come to this? Are we as a society really spending thousands of dollars for shoes that make us look like we’re about to chase after some antelopes or sing about the circle of life. Do you really want to look down and think of King Mufasa plummeting to his death? I guess Blake NotSoLively does, because she wore this mess on the set of Chisme Niña in NYC yesterday. I swear Blake’s dog keeps looking at those shoes like she wants to start a fight with them. Or maybe she thinks those are Scooby snacks on the toes.
The only reasonable reason for wearing Aslan’s sawed off paws on your feet is if you’re fucking with a freak who has a Narnia fetish and a shoe fetish. Even then, get these instead.
Grandmamas Everywhere Are Freaking Out
My dream of Courtney Stodden and Horatio Cane (as Herman Cane) co-hosting the Oscars at the abandoned spot where the California Santa’s Village used to be will have to wait another year to come true, because the producers have stuck their hands into the past and pulled out Billy Crystal. After the talking colostomy hole sore that is Brett Ratner smeared the Oscar’s good name (add a dab of sarcasm to that) with his use of the fag word and his talk of jacking his snail dick with Van de Kamp lube, the producers are taking us back to a safe place where all the jokes are G-rated and every category has its own musical medley montage. The Academy confirmed this to Deadline and Billy Tweeted this an hour ago:
Am doing the Oscars so the young woman in the pharmacy will stop asking my name when I pick up my prescriptions. Looking forward to the show
Yeah, yeah, I can already hear bitches screaming that Billy’s as boring as a ball of room-temperature dough covered with white flour (which is sort of what his face looks like nowadays thanks to that debil jelly we call Botox), but look at this shit in a positive light. The Oscars will now start at 3pm EST since that’s when Billy’s demographic eats dinner and now his long-lost twin Richard Simmons will finally gets his time in the shine as Miss Oscar 2011. Richard’s already got his ensemble picked out and everything!
The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 10th!
Some Community Man Nipples In The Morning
Most of this morning’s news is all about Rick Perry scraping his own shit from the bottom of his hot cowboy boot and some Penn State students flipping vans over their football coach getting fired for putting on his Pope Goggles, so I’m going to temporarily blow away those dark clouds of insane terror and bring out a bright shining sun in the form of a topless Joel McHale!
Joel is trying to make GROUNDBREAKING HISTORY by being the first white man to be named as People’s Sexiest Man Alive and so he twerked his camouflage nipples (somebody please send him some black licorice nipple dye) for an audition video. People asked him to put together a video of him making an everyday activity look orgasm-worthy and this is what he came up with. Strangely enough, this is exactly what coffee hour at Ryan Gaycrest’s office looks like. This is also what Corbin Fisher’s class of 2011 15th reunion is going to look like.