The Hongray Games Trailer Is Here
If you’re like me and swallowed the first Hunger Games book with your eyeballs in one afternoon (Yes, I’m judging myself for that too.), then the trailer for the movie might fill you with the same kind of excitement you felt as a kid every time an analog TV on a cart was rolled into your middle school homeroom for movie (or “Anderson Cooper on the Channel One news“) time. Oh, how I miss the simpler times when seeing a TV in the classroom made my fucking day.
Seeing Stanley Tucci in a shiny suit makes my nipples spit glitter, but I’m not so sure about the rest of this shit. Why do the poors of District 12 looks like Amish hipsters and why does Brad Pitt’s greasy mop make an appearance on Woody Harrelson’s head? This does sort of looks like a whitewashed Battle Royale for the Twilight set.
This trailer really would’ve had me if they played “Hungry Eyes” at the end of it. Patrick Swayze really does make everything better.
JLo Might Be Hitting This
The Insider is saying that JLo has permanently pried herself off of Bradley Cooper’s chin and is now bumping assholes with one of her back-up dancers named Casper Smart. That is baby beards-in-training Ashley Greene and Taylor Swift’s cue to stroll up to B. Coop’s publicist now that there’s a position available.
JLo has been dragging Casper Smart all over the place from Buenos Aires to San Francisco ever since they started boning on each other a couple of weeks ago. A source says that the relationship is labeled as “very casual” and JLo is trying to keep it that way. At 5’8″ and 160 pounds, Casper is a pocket hottie and moved his tiny little legs while dancing in an episode of Glee and in the direct-to-the-discount-bin masterpiece Honey 2. Casper joined JLo’s harem of dancers earlier this year.
There’s probably a thick layer of dried zombie dust stuck to the roof of JLo’s mouth from sucking on Skeletor’s zombie pichula for all those years, so I totally understand that she’s trying to cleanse it with some young dick. But nothing good can come from this. First of all, we all know what happened the last time JLo fucked around with one of her dancers. The bitch married him and I’m sure she’s still cutting him an alimony check.
Second of all, Casper is just a tiny thing. Dude looks like if Duckie from Pretty in Pink stunted his growth by drinking roid milk as a child. How is Casper going to conquer JLo’s double down ass of doom? That’s like watching an apple head chihuahua puppy trying to ass fuck a full grown mastiff. And once Casper does mount JLo’s ass with the help of a climbing harness, some rope and a crampon, he’s only going to get a few humps in before her asshole inhales and he’s never heard from again! Nobody will ever know what happened to Casper until one day JLo farts and out will come one of his CZ studs. End well: this won’t!
But Was Justin Timberlake Crowned Marine Corps Ball Queen?
You know Justin Timberlake is serious about looking crown-to-forehead beautiful for a very special date when he pulls out the blow dryer, flat iron and straightening serum. That’s exactly what he did for Cpl. Kelsey De Santis, as promised! Remember when that one Marine asked Mila Kunis to his ball (wink wink) and then EVERY Marine asked EVERY celebwhore to their ball? Well, one of those Marines was Kelsey and she asked Justin Timberlake to get all prettied up to be her to date to her ball. Justin bat his eyes, swayed all flirty-like and accepted her invitation. Justin kept his promise last night and sashayed into the Instructor Battalion Marine Corps Ball in Richmond, Va. on the arm of Corporal Kelsey.
One Marine told People that Justin graciously took pictures with everyone and “we all brought sexy back! Justin seemed to have a good time, and it was great to see him there.”
Before you give Justin the taint slap salute for keeping his word, we need to know if that bitch gave up the panty in the parking lot at the end of the night. Kelsey didn’t make a YouTube invitation and give Justin a carnation cock ring corsage just so he could nibble at a chicken dinner and slow dance with her to one song. Nope. It is Justin’s duty as an American to put out. I’m sure he did. You can’t say no to a badass lady Marine who can put the frizz in your hair just by flinching at it. And obviously, Justin was serious about his coif last night.
Also, it’s good to know that if you want Justin to do something, you just have to ask him in a YouTube video. Why do I have a feeling that YouTube will suddenly be flooded with videos of hos asking Justin to please be their date to the NEVER MAKE A MOVIE AGAIN AND JUST STICK TO MUSIC Ball.
(Image via WoJo)
Jay-Z’s Got 99 Problems But An OWS Protester Ain’t One
With a golden child of infinite light who only eats canary diamonds and only wears baby wigs fronted with lace imported from France on the way, Jay-Z has to hustle harder for that money since the billions of dollars he has in the bank surely isn’t enough. Jay-Z’s lips are extra chapped today, because of all the heat his ass is getting for selling Occupy Wall Street t-shirts through Rocawear and donating a grand total of ZERO dollars to the movement. The Occupy Wallet Movement: That’s how the 1% stays in the 1%!
The Wall Street Journal says that after many complained that Jay-Z is filling his pockets with money from a movement he didn’t help to create, the t-shirts were pulled off of Rocawear’s website. Before pulling the t-shirts, Rocawear confirmed to Gawker that they ain’t giving shit to those OWS bitches:
The ‘Occupy All Streets’ T shirt was created in support of the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement. Rocawear strongly encourages all forms of constructive expression, whether it be artistic, political or social. ‘Occupy All Streets’ is our way of reminding people that there is change to be made everywhere, not just on Wall Street. At this time we have not made an official commitment to monetarily support the movement.
The most surprising thing about this is that Rocawear still exists (and yet Cross Colors only exists in Europe today, shame). The second most surprising thing about this is that Pimp Mama Kris didn’t come up with it first. That sound you hear of a wet steak slowly sliding off of a wall is Pimp Mama Kris’s new face falling off after she punched herself in the head over not coming up with this shit before Jay-Z.
The “While You’re Locked Out Of The NBA, Okkupy Kardashian” t-shirt….. What could’ve been, what could’ve been….
Nick Lachey Takes His Nipples For A Bike Ride
One would think that because there’s sunshine and tropical rains in Hawaii nearly every day, Nick Lachey’s world-class rack would be extra lush and bountiful, but that’s not what’s happening here. Nick and his wife Vanessa Manilawhatever trained in the sport of bikini bike riding for the 2012 Holympics in Hawaii yesterday afternoon, and his chichis almost look as flat as her personality. The sudden urge to motorboat while humming the melody to “Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)” usually fills me when I stare at Nick’s succulent pectorals, but not one musical note is filling my throat. Eat some macadamias, Nick! Get those tetes to reach for the sun again.
Oh, let’s just assume that Nick’s pec sacks are still on California time so they’re just taking their usual early evening nap. Let’s assume that.
Kim Zolciak Is Back To Opening Her Legs To A Married Man
But in a shocking turn of events, this time she’s actually the one married to the married man!
A flock of white doves wearing tiny blond wiglets flew over Atlanta yesterday after 33-year-old (in Courtney Stodden years) Kim Zolciak of The Real Messes of Atlanta married the man who owns the ass that she was creaming at the mouth over all last season. Kim and Atlanta Falcons player Kroy Biermann married on 11/11/11, because her lacefront squeezed her last memory chip out of her brain and those numbers added together make up his IQ, so it’s an easy date to remember (but you know those dumb bitches will still forget it).
Life & Style, who paid for the EXCLUSIVO rights for the wedding pictures with a half-full jar of wig glue and an at-home collagen kit, has all the details that I know you give a thousand fucks about:
“This has been the happiest day of my life,” Kim exclusively tells Life & Style. “It’s been perfect. It’s been a dream come true.”
As Life & Style previously reported, Kim, 34, and Kroy, 26, got engaged in October after welcoming their first son, Kroy Jagger, together in May.
“He makes me a better person,” says Kim. “I love everything about him.”
The couple met at a charity function in 2010, during the filming of the third season of the hit Bravo reality series. Kim has two daughters, Brielle and Ariana, from a previous marriage. This is the first marriage for Kroy.
If NeNe, Phaedra, Cynthia and HeRee were there, they probably synchronized their divorce clock watches and made bets on if Kim is going to beat Kim Kardashian’s 72 second-long queef of a marriage record. I’ll bet that she will. This marriage is going to last about as long as the time she was a lesbian.
Kim will probably have to slap on a divorcin’ wig in a few months, but at least 11/11/11 will always be the day that she wore a dress that made her look like her belly button heaved out intestines made of satin. This is the hideous barf spray of a wedding gown that Kim wore and ONTD says that the pre-owned dress cost Kim $58,000.
Yes, 58 fucking thousand dollars for a dress that looks like Liberace shat crystals on a Ballard Designs comforter and then slit its stomach and pulled out all of its satin internal organs. It’s like the tackiest satin blood clot you’ve ever seen. To think, Kim could’ve had a She by Sheree ORIGINAL and she went with this shit instead? I bet Sheree shook her head at that thought as she collected the centerpieces from each table so she can sell them on eBay and pay her rent next month.
Evening Crumbs
Rooney Mara gets a hand full of Daniel Craig titty on Entertainment Weekly – Lainey Gossip
And everyone wants R. Kelly to shut up – The Superficial
Shane Warne’s face is starting to settle down and walk with the rest of us. Sort of. – Hollywood Tuna
Watch only if you’re 11 kinds of stoned – Towleroad
Johnny Depp is sort of morphing into an old, bloated Puerto Rican lesbian, so Amber Heard wouldn’t be completely abandoning her gayelle ways – Celebitchy
Reese Witherspoon’s Ojai mansion needs more animal heads from local star Chuck Testa - The Berry
Amber Heard has a hot car – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen are still a thing – Just Jared
Pax makes a grand return to his homeland – Popsugar
Self-proclaimed drag queen Sofia Vergara needs more rhinestones, feathers, wig pieces and face paint if she wants to hold on to her title – Popoholic
Just when I was starting to hug the empty space left by all those Pippa and Prince Hot Ginge rumors from a few months ago – ICYDK
Dominic Cooper’s nalgitas for your pleasure – OMG Blog
Ooooooh this is the niiiiiight – The Daily What
CSS, one of my favorite bands ever, has a new video and it will induce eye seizures and images of Madge drying her pits in Desperately Seeking Susan – The Hairpin
These go to 11 – Cityrag
Duh. - I’m Not Obsessed
The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 11th!
via Evil Milk