But Was Justin Timberlake Crowned Marine Corps Ball Queen?
You know Justin Timberlake is serious about looking crown-to-forehead beautiful for a very special date when he pulls out the blow dryer, flat iron and straightening serum. That’s exactly what he did for Cpl. Kelsey De Santis, as promised! Remember when that one Marine asked Mila Kunis to his ball (wink wink) and then EVERY Marine asked EVERY celebwhore to their ball? Well, one of those Marines was Kelsey and she asked Justin Timberlake to get all prettied up to be her to date to her ball. Justin bat his eyes, swayed all flirty-like and accepted her invitation. Justin kept his promise last night and sashayed into the Instructor Battalion Marine Corps Ball in Richmond, Va. on the arm of Corporal Kelsey.
One Marine told People that Justin graciously took pictures with everyone and “we all brought sexy back! Justin seemed to have a good time, and it was great to see him there.”
Before you give Justin the taint slap salute for keeping his word, we need to know if that bitch gave up the panty in the parking lot at the end of the night. Kelsey didn’t make a YouTube invitation and give Justin a carnation cock ring corsage just so he could nibble at a chicken dinner and slow dance with her to one song. Nope. It is Justin’s duty as an American to put out. I’m sure he did. You can’t say no to a badass lady Marine who can put the frizz in your hair just by flinching at it. And obviously, Justin was serious about his coif last night.
Also, it’s good to know that if you want Justin to do something, you just have to ask him in a YouTube video. Why do I have a feeling that YouTube will suddenly be flooded with videos of hos asking Justin to please be their date to the NEVER MAKE A MOVIE AGAIN AND JUST STICK TO MUSIC Ball.
(Image via WoJo)
Jay-Z’s Got 99 Problems But An OWS Protester Ain’t One
With a golden child of infinite light who only eats canary diamonds and only wears baby wigs fronted with lace imported from France on the way, Jay-Z has to hustle harder for that money since the billions of dollars he has in the bank surely isn’t enough. Jay-Z’s lips are extra chapped today, because of all the heat his ass is getting for selling Occupy Wall Street t-shirts through Rocawear and donating a grand total of ZERO dollars to the movement. The Occupy Wallet Movement: That’s how the 1% stays in the 1%!
The Wall Street Journal says that after many complained that Jay-Z is filling his pockets with money from a movement he didn’t help to create, the t-shirts were pulled off of Rocawear’s website. Before pulling the t-shirts, Rocawear confirmed to Gawker that they ain’t giving shit to those OWS bitches:
The ‘Occupy All Streets’ T shirt was created in support of the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement. Rocawear strongly encourages all forms of constructive expression, whether it be artistic, political or social. ‘Occupy All Streets’ is our way of reminding people that there is change to be made everywhere, not just on Wall Street. At this time we have not made an official commitment to monetarily support the movement.
The most surprising thing about this is that Rocawear still exists (and yet Cross Colors only exists in Europe today, shame). The second most surprising thing about this is that Pimp Mama Kris didn’t come up with it first. That sound you hear of a wet steak slowly sliding off of a wall is Pimp Mama Kris’s new face falling off after she punched herself in the head over not coming up with this shit before Jay-Z.
The “While You’re Locked Out Of The NBA, Okkupy Kardashian” t-shirt….. What could’ve been, what could’ve been….
Nick Lachey Takes His Nipples For A Bike Ride
One would think that because there’s sunshine and tropical rains in Hawaii nearly every day, Nick Lachey’s world-class rack would be extra lush and bountiful, but that’s not what’s happening here. Nick and his wife Vanessa Manilawhatever trained in the sport of bikini bike riding for the 2012 Holympics in Hawaii yesterday afternoon, and his chichis almost look as flat as her personality. The sudden urge to motorboat while humming the melody to “Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)” usually fills me when I stare at Nick’s succulent pectorals, but not one musical note is filling my throat. Eat some macadamias, Nick! Get those tetes to reach for the sun again.
Oh, let’s just assume that Nick’s pec sacks are still on California time so they’re just taking their usual early evening nap. Let’s assume that.
Kim Zolciak Is Back To Opening Her Legs To A Married Man
But in a shocking turn of events, this time she’s actually the one married to the married man!
A flock of white doves wearing tiny blond wiglets flew over Atlanta yesterday after 33-year-old (in Courtney Stodden years) Kim Zolciak of The Real Messes of Atlanta married the man who owns the ass that she was creaming at the mouth over all last season. Kim and Atlanta Falcons player Kroy Biermann married on 11/11/11, because her lacefront squeezed her last memory chip out of her brain and those numbers added together make up his IQ, so it’s an easy date to remember (but you know those dumb bitches will still forget it).
Life & Style, who paid for the EXCLUSIVO rights for the wedding pictures with a half-full jar of wig glue and an at-home collagen kit, has all the details that I know you give a thousand fucks about:
“This has been the happiest day of my life,” Kim exclusively tells Life & Style. “It’s been perfect. It’s been a dream come true.”
As Life & Style previously reported, Kim, 34, and Kroy, 26, got engaged in October after welcoming their first son, Kroy Jagger, together in May.
“He makes me a better person,” says Kim. “I love everything about him.”
The couple met at a charity function in 2010, during the filming of the third season of the hit Bravo reality series. Kim has two daughters, Brielle and Ariana, from a previous marriage. This is the first marriage for Kroy.
If NeNe, Phaedra, Cynthia and HeRee were there, they probably synchronized their divorce clock watches and made bets on if Kim is going to beat Kim Kardashian’s 72 second-long queef of a marriage record. I’ll bet that she will. This marriage is going to last about as long as the time she was a lesbian.
Kim will probably have to slap on a divorcin’ wig in a few months, but at least 11/11/11 will always be the day that she wore a dress that made her look like her belly button heaved out intestines made of satin. This is the hideous barf spray of a wedding gown that Kim wore and ONTD says that the pre-owned dress cost Kim $58,000.
Yes, 58 fucking thousand dollars for a dress that looks like Liberace shat crystals on a Ballard Designs comforter and then slit its stomach and pulled out all of its satin internal organs. It’s like the tackiest satin blood clot you’ve ever seen. To think, Kim could’ve had a She by Sheree ORIGINAL and she went with this shit instead? I bet Sheree shook her head at that thought as she collected the centerpieces from each table so she can sell them on eBay and pay her rent next month.
Evening Crumbs
Rooney Mara gets a hand full of Daniel Craig titty on Entertainment Weekly – Lainey Gossip
And everyone wants R. Kelly to shut up – The Superficial
Shane Warne’s face is starting to settle down and walk with the rest of us. Sort of. – Hollywood Tuna
Watch only if you’re 11 kinds of stoned – Towleroad
Johnny Depp is sort of morphing into an old, bloated Puerto Rican lesbian, so Amber Heard wouldn’t be completely abandoning her gayelle ways – Celebitchy
Reese Witherspoon’s Ojai mansion needs more animal heads from local star Chuck Testa - The Berry
Amber Heard has a hot car – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen are still a thing – Just Jared
Pax makes a grand return to his homeland – Popsugar
Self-proclaimed drag queen Sofia Vergara needs more rhinestones, feathers, wig pieces and face paint if she wants to hold on to her title – Popoholic
Just when I was starting to hug the empty space left by all those Pippa and Prince Hot Ginge rumors from a few months ago – ICYDK
Dominic Cooper’s nalgitas for your pleasure – OMG Blog
Ooooooh this is the niiiiiight – The Daily What
CSS, one of my favorite bands ever, has a new video and it will induce eye seizures and images of Madge drying her pits in Desperately Seeking Susan – The Hairpin
These go to 11 – Cityrag
Duh. - I’m Not Obsessed
The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 11th!
via Evil Milk
Diego Luna + Memaw Make-Up = Katy Perry’s New Video
Here’s Katy Perry melting the prosthetic old lady mask off of her face with the piping hot raw emotion seeping out of her pores in the music video for her new single “The One That Got Away.” Bitch is giving us melodrama and theater in this one. Katy plays some rich ass old ho who sits in her fancy house thinking about how she used to make the sex with that hot piece Diego Luna back in the day. I regularly sit around in my apartment thinking about fucking Diego Luna, so I can relate to this story. But really, if you’re some old millionairess who wishes Diego Luna was still around to hump on, you wouldn’t sit on your bed and think about it. You’d bump off your rich husband, collect the money, go down to Mexico City and buy a Diego Luna look-alike. That’s what you’d do.
On a serious note: the lesson to be learned here is never stare at a pink veil while driving. If you do, you’ll accidentally drive to your death and come back as a mute ghost who Katy Perry visits from time to time. The worst part is that you’ll never be able to yell at her stupid ass for keeping her veil in the car visor. Who keeps a veil in the car visor?!
Open Post: Hosted By Biggie’s Newest Fan
We know which side of the East Playground-West Playground feud she’s on.
via Oh Hell Nawl
Shocking: Pimp Mama Kris Spits Out Lies For Profit
As soon as you tag this picture with “This Is Our Future, Part I Lost Track Because It’s Hard To Count While Weeping” and file it under “RIP Humanity,” please contact Child Protective Services. The parents of these children must be arrested for allowing their own to buy this generation’s Mein Kampf. Now that we’ve gotten that business out of the way….
Pimp Mama Kris further proved that the dead organ in her chest is made from the worst stuff in Hell last week when she whored out her new memoirs by talking about the chapters that she devotes to her supposed friend Nicole Brown Simpson. Kris summoned a wave of eye rolls when she claimed that Nicole let out a subtle cry for help during a phone call the two had the day of the murder. Kris also wrote in her book that Nicole told her about a safe deposit box where she kept all the evidence of the abuse she suffered at the hand of OJ. Kris’ version of the story is that after the murder, Nicole’s sister Denise Brown asked her about the safe deposit box. Denise’s version of the story is that Kris is completely stuffed with shit and is a satanic whore monster for trying to beat coins out of her dead sister’s grave. We’ve all seen crucifixes turn and fall off the wall when Kris walks by, so this isn’t surprising news to any of us.
Denise went to The National Enquirer and gave them her side:
“Kris Jenner IS pathetic. I had just found out my sister was murdered. The last thing on my mind was whether or not Nicole showed anyone any pictures she had in a safety deposit box. In fact, I didn’t even know my sister HAD a safety deposit box with pictures of her abuse until the beginning of O.J.’s trial – months after she was murdered.
I think most people will question her intentions of writing about my sister’s murder,” Denise fumed. “I am really disappointed in Kris. For the past two-and-a-half years, my family has had some relative peace regarding all of this stuff. Now that Kris has brought it up again, she’s split open the healing wounds.
For her to write about it is like reliving it all over again. My poor mother is really taking it hard. Haven’t they made enough? Nicole has been dead for 17 years. Please, Kris, don’t profit off of my sister’s horrible death.”
The machine counting all the money Kris is making off of Nicole Simpson’s death is really loud, so I doubt she can hear anything Denise is saying. But once she gets Denise’s message, I’m sure she’ll do the right thing and donate all proceeds from the sale of her evil book to charity. Oh wait. That won’t happen. Giving away money given to you by your brainwashed fans is a form of “Indian Giving” and Kris is way too classy to do that.
Leonardo DiCatchAHo Goes Shopping At The Victoria’s Secret Show
Page Six reports that at the after-party for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show the other night, Leonardo DiCatchAHo strolled in with a gift registry scanner in hand, ready to scan the barcodes on all the models he wants for Christmas. But one source says that 37-year-old Leo (Happy Birfday, Leo!) put down his scanner when his eyes landed on 19-year-old model Karlie Kloss. Leo mostly stayed at his table with Gay Fish, Lukas Haas and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but his gaze stayed fixed on Karlie’s barely legal ass. The George Clooney-ing of Leo has officially begun.
The source said that Leo kept trolling around the party for models before settling into the “boys’ table” to stare at Karlie, “He couldn’t take his eyes off her….but it wasn’t clear whether he made a move.”
Leo would never make a move at a party. Leo is a born romantic, a total gentlemen and completely traditional. If Leo wants a date with Karlie, he’ll order her through the Victoria’s Secret catalog and make sure to get a receipt just in case he has to return her for talking too much (that’s option “d” on the return order form).
Leo is seriously a beige windbreaker and a moustache away from being that creeper who trolls college campuses looking for young girls he can go up to and say, “Has anybody told you that you can be a model?” One of those creepers types pulled that on my friend once and gave her a flyer for a totally fake modeling agency. This broke ass flyer didn’t have a telephone number on it, but it did have an e-mail address that read something like: assman67@hotmail.com. What kind of sexual predator really thinks that a girl is going to fall for an e-mail address like that? No serious modeling agency would ever use Hotmail.
Meanwhile, a source says that Jakey Gyllenhaal was at the same party and spent 30 minutes talking to Brazilian model Izabel Goulart. Yes, talking. That’s what we’re calling “a beard fitting” these days.