James Franco Is Always Fapping
Wherever James Franco is right now, there’s a pretty damn good chance that his chonies are around his knees, his hand is hugging his peen and he’s jacking that shit FOR HIS LIFE. So if you’ve ever been lucky enough to shake hands with James Franco, you now know why he always feels so warm and tingly (lick your hand next time). Bitch is always making his peen barf as though it was his full-time job. Let your brain masturbate on that image for a while.
In Danny Boyle’s new movie “127 Hours”, James plays real-life mountaineer Aron Ralston who was forced to cut off his own arm after getting stuck under a boulder. While promoting the movie at the Telluride Film Festival in Colorado, James talked to the Hollywood Reporter and they asked him about the scene where Aron tickles his crotch rock while stuck under the rock. James said that Aron is a true gentleman so he never admitted or denied if that scene really happened. But James is not a true gentleman, so he answered the question (while massaging his wang, no doubt):
OK. You asked the question. [pause] I spend a fair amount of time alone, especially when I travel maybe to something like this or for work or whatever, but I’m in hotels a lot for a lot of my life. And I don’t mind it because I have a lot of stuff to do on my own. I have a lot of reading to do for school or whatever. [pause, laughs] You asked! So, when I’m alone, I do masturbate a lot. I don’t know why. It’s like you have those days where it’s just like, I have a ton of writing to do, or a ton of reading to do, and you’re just like, OK, I’m going to be on the couch all day or in bed all day just doing that… I tend to have a four- or five-time day. [breaks out laughing] So, I probably would have if I was stuck under a rock.
You know James is just being modest. 4 to 5 times a day? Double that and there’s your truth. James has given me a real gift, because now every time I see a picture of him I’m going to assume he’s either finding a way to jack it (examples: hole in pocket or using a vibrating peen sleeve) or thinking about jacking it. Let’s try this:
Verdict: Jacking it (the bear knows)!
Verdict: Jacking it.
Verdict: Thinking about jacking it (and oh is he thinking about it).
Verdict: And here I was thinking that James was actually sleeping in that picture. Nope, jacking it. This is where the vibrating peen sleeve played an important role.
It’s like a whole new world has opened up! A world where James Franco is masturbating non-stop! This is what Princess Jasmine was really singing about.
QOTD: How Joe Jackson Kept MJ From Joining A Street Gang
The only gang Michael Jackson belonged to was a dancing one that destroyed their enemies with crotch bumps, hip thrusts and neck sways (see: Bad) instead of shanks and gats. Joe Jackson says we can thank his open hand for that. In an interview with Jackson Secret Vault, the bloated catfish had this to say when he was asked about whoopin’ MJ
“I had to be like that because when raising him, in those days, so many gangs out there getting into trouble, going to jail. Most of them are dead now. He didn’t have to worry about that.
And does Joe regret slapping the kids around?
“No! They tried to make a big issue when I spanked Michael or some of the kids, ya know? Just like they didn’t spank their kids when they did wrong. The media twists everything.”
Michael Jackson in a gang? Unless the Sharks and Jets were waiting to pirouette-him into their crew, I doubt MJ was planning on joining a gang. Besides, MJ was too busy dancing for coins for Joe Jackson to pay his hookers with. Joe Jackson really needs to use his slappin’ hand to slap the giant ass on his no-neck for this.
via TMZ
Cacapaccio
Obviously drawing inspiration from ANTM’s raw meat episode (Ty Ty will be claiming this cover as her idea in 3..2..), Lady Gaga bares her beef curtains on the cover of Vogue Hommes Japan. Just throw some peppers, pico de gallo, onions and tomato on her ass and you’ve got yourself some fartjitas.
But seriously, bitch probably caught salmonella in the pussy, nipples and asshole for this mess. But Lady Caca will tell you that it’s not HIGH EDGY ART unless you catch salmonella in the pussy.
Does He Have A Donut Crumb In His Nostril?
Jessica Simpson Twatted this picture of her gazing lovingly up into the nostrils of her boyfriend Eric Johnson as though his mocos are covered with chocolate and powdered sugar. Jessica also added this little caption:
“I met a wonderful man. Damn I’m lucky!”
Maybe Jessica got mixed up and really meant to post a picture of her with Bob’s Big Boy.
But seriously, Jessica is still one of those girls who tell themselves they are happy by telling everyone about how happy they are. You know, that girl who is always saying shit in front of you like: “Look at my hot man eat that chicken fanger. Damn I’m lucky!”, “Look at my hot man work that remote control. Damn I’m lucky!”, “Look at my hot man throwing me a side-eye like he wants to choke my annoying ass out. Damn I’m lucky!” and “Look at my hot man carry all of his shit out of my house and into the trunk of his new girlfriend’s car outside. Damn I’m lucky!“.
via HuffPo
Wyclef Jean Calls Out Sean Penn For Calling Out Wyclef Jean
When Wyclef Jean announced that he was going to save Haiti by running for president over there, Sean Penn pushed the call girl crotch off of his mouth and spit all over that move. Sean, who has been active in relief efforts in Haiti, told Larry King that he didn’t know “very much about Wyclef Jean. I haven’t seen or heard anything of him in these last six months that I’ve been in Haiti.” Clef’s ex-groupmate and fellow Haitian Pras pretty much co-signed Sean Penn’s statement by backing up a different candidate for president. Well, Clef tried to burn both Sean and Pras at Hot 97’s “On Da Reggae Tip”concert in NYC.
While singing “If I Was President,” Clef changed up the lyrics and sang out:
“If I was president. I got a message for Sean Penn, maybe he ain’t see me in Haiti cuz he was too busy sniffing cocaine. I got a message for Praswell, even though you don’t want to support me, I got love for you. Even though you only kicked eight bars for the Fugees. If I was president.”
While I do love that Clef probably made Sean Penn choke on his line with this shit, bitch really needs to put the whining on mute and move on. Clef is still mad because he can’t run for the president of Haiti since he’s lived in New Jersey for the past 5 years instead of Port-au-Prince. Resident regulations killed his dreams!
Besides, how can Wyclef Jean be president of anything when he’s currently starring in a commercial for RITZ!?! You can’t take a politician seriously when they are dancing for RITZ! Cheez-Its yes, but not RITZ.
Like A Ladle Full Of Extra Sweet Honey
The City of Atlanta was glazed with a thick layer of glitter and the nectar from a million gay flowers (that’s redundant, right?) when the one and only Derek J sashayed through a gay pride party at Traxx on Saturday night. Any bitch walking directly behind Derek J suffered third-degree burns from the sparkly sparks jumping off the tips of his stilettos every time he stomped on the floor. And there’s power behind Derek J’s heels, because he could break down a chicken and roll a mound of silicone into a dildo with those legs!
Here’s more of the candy apple in heels giving bitches fever from the sight of his delectable titties and peek-a-boo nalgas. If you want to baste your eyeballs with even more of Derek J’s sticky sweetness, visit FreddyO.
Who Is Going To Buy This Crap?
When somebody asks you what that scent of rat whiskers, foundation residue and spicy hummingbird juice (aka Ken Paves‘ sweat) wafting off your body is, do you really want to look them in the eye and say with a straight face, “Oh, it’s Eva by Eva Longoria”? That is some shit that will make everyone in the room turn around and walk out. You know that not even Eva Longoria herself uses that shit as a toilet freshener or roach spray. But here she is whoring it out at a mall in London today. Did I say it smells like rat whiskers? No, it really smells like the saliva shooting out of Eva’s mouth when she laughs at the bitches who spent their hard-earned money on her perfume.
And the box! THE BOX! It looks like some bootleg company unlawfully stole a file photo of Eva and slapped it on the box of the feminine hygiene product they sell at The Dollar Store.
Here’s more of Eva making that money in London today and going to dinner at Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant last night with Posh. And by dinner, I mean Eva ate and Posh sniffed on dirty napkins brought to her by the busboys.
A Sad Day For Pussy And Peen Peddlers
Modern day whores out there who picked up their johns at the end of the littered and dusty online cul-de-sac we all call Craigslist, will have to slather the SPF on their ass cheeks and go back to whistling for dick on their old corner. This is because Craigslist locked the doors on their “Adult Services” section and wrapped the front porch with black tape with the word “censored” on it. Craigslist’s whore house is closed until further notice. An authentic tear of sadness just slid down Charlie Sheen’s cheek….
PC World says that Craigslist has yet to comment on this mess, but it’s obvious that they were forced to remove the Adult Services category after getting heat from 17 attorney generals. They asked Craigslist to shut that shit down if they refused to screen ads.
Craigslist changed the name of Erotic Services to Adult Services last year shortly after the Craigslist Killer was caught. Craigslist manually approved each Adult Services ad and charged $10 per ad. This still didn’t stop several attorney generals from demanding that Craigslist get out of the leased pussy game altogether.
The ginger Coco summed this up perfectly:
Hongray johns will have to learn a whole new code to find what they’re looking for. “18-year-old futon with cover and stain on middle part of cushion. Will deliver to you. Cash only” will now mean “Safe vagina sex only. You can cum on my tits. Out calls and cash only”. It’s the new hanky code!
Vicky Pollard Lives!
If this is what The X-Factor is going to be like all season, then I need to run a cable from the UK through the Atlantic Ocean and directly into my TV, because this priceless shit is what entertainment is made of. During last night’s show, Simon Cowell said best friends Abby and Lisa had the worst attitudes of any contestant on any of his shows. So you know if these twin female Pugsleys make Simon’s titty milk go sour, they are a new amazing breed of FUCKING VILE. And they are!
Their “singing” will make you want to punch yourself in the ear holes with a hot curling iron, but what follows will immediately heal your wounds. The new equation is: WHO ARE YOU? + a fist to the face = the real X factor.
And it looks like these two punch each other in the faces all the time.
Who Is Morrissey Offending Today?
Oh, Morrissey, fuck. The man who wrote the lyrics that thousands of rockabilly teenage cholas recited as a monologue in their beginners drama class is back at it again. Morrissey is a serious animal rights advocate and vegetarian so when he watched a special on the news about animal abuse in China, a new hate for the Chinese developed in his brain. Since this is Morrissey we’re talking about, you know exactly where this is heading.
In an interview with Simon Armitage for The Guardian, Morrissey summoned a million Sydney Dalton-like protests against him when he said that China’s treatment of animals makes them a “sub-species” in his book. Here’s Morrissey’s full quote as well as some other fuckery nuggets:
On the Chinese: “Did you see the thing on the news about their treatment of animals and animal welfare? Absolutely horrific. You can’t help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies.”
On pop stars today: “They have two or three melodies and they repeat them ad nauseum over the course of 28 albums.”
On people: “They are problems.”
On his pets: “Yes. Cats. I’ve had lots of cats. But also many bereavements.”
On being lonely: “We’re all lonely, but I’d rather be lonely by myself than with a long list of duties and obligations. I think that’s why people kill themselves, really. Or at least that’s why they think, ‘Thank heaven for death.’ “
On if he has a drivers license or not: “What kind of bland, insipid question is that?”
A spokesperson for Love Music Hate Racism immediately slapped Morrissey in his fat mouth with this statement: “It is crude racism. When you start using language like ’sub-species’, you are entering into dark and murky water.“
Morrissey didn’t sit down and stood by his words after some people called it a racist statement: “If anyone has seen the horrific and unwatchable footage of the Chinese cat and dog trade — animals skinned alive — then they could not possibly argue in favor of China as a caring nation. There are no animal protection laws in China and this results in the worst animal abuse and cruelty on the planet. It is indefensible.“
A black cloud has been stuck up Morrissey’s ass for a while, so I’m pretty sure he HATES ALL PEOPLE. Bitch is like the Emo Scrooge. I’m not defending his words, but if he could live on a deserted island with only his cats he would. But he’d probably still find a tree trunk or some shit to yell at.