Michael Lohan’s Got 99 Problems, But A B*tch Ain’t… Oh, Never Mind!
Because things can always get worse when you are a Lohan. It’s their curse.
So Lindsay Michael Lohan is in jail right now for a multitude of reasons and he poised to have to stay in there for several dozen more. Adding to the list this morning is a warrant for his arrest in Suffolf County, NY. The active warrant was filed over a year ago when Michael fell behind on his child support payments.
Oh no, don’t be mistaken. This is not Dina’s doing. This is the OTHER baby momma in his life. You know, the one he birth a child within secret and has been sending checks to for years to keep the matter all under wraps. When he finally started falling behind on those payments, the police wanted to drag Mike in to answer to a judge. He’s be dodging it ever since last November.
Yeah, not gonna be able to do that anymore huh! A rep for the Suffolk County Sheriff’s Office insists that Papa Lohan will be arrested on sight should he make an appearance in NYC, Nassau County or Suffolk County.
No worries though. He’s not going ANYWHERE for awhile!
[Image via WENN.]
Guess You Didn’t Get That $500,000…..
Because everybody but Papa Joe knows that a Jessica Simpson pregnancy announcement is worth about as much as a left-handed handjob from Captain Hook, not one tabloid magazine farted up the $500,000 he wanted for an exclusive so bitch had to give that shit away for free. In news that’s about as surprising as Kim Kardashian’s staged marriage falling into a trapdoor opened by Pimp Mama Kris, Jessica posted the above picture on her website and then announced the news everybody has known for weeks.
“It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!”
Jessica’s poor child isn’t even out of the womb yet and she’s already embarrassing it. First, bitch tries to sell the news that it’s moved into her uterus and comes up with nothing. Then she delivers the BIG DUH for free on the same day Kim Kardashian’s divorce shit is being spread all over the media. And finally, she announces it while looking like a flock of birds made several nests in her weave after she got tangled up in my old nursery curtains.
That fetus is holding its face in shame and won’t let go until it turns 18. How is Papa Joe going to sell the baby pictures if Jessica’s baby refuses to remove its hand from its face? Papa Joe’s plans foiled again. I think I love Jessica’s baby already.
X Factor Ratings Are Hurting In The UK!
Just when things seemed to be turning around for the show in the US…
For the first time in FOUR YEARS, BBC1′s Strictly Come Dancing beat the UK version of X Factor in the ratings! Ouchie!
The Saturday night Halloween-themed broadcast of Strictly brought in an average audience of 10.1 million viewers, which was one million MORE than X Factor! Ouchie X2!
Here’s what a source close to Simon Cowell had to say about it:
“Simon says it’s good to have some healthy competition. He says ‘good on the BBC, well done.’”
And here’s what a spokesman for the BBC had to say about it:
“We are delighted that more and more viewers keep tuning in to watch Strictly Come Dancing and that our Halloween spectacular was the most watched programme of the evening by far.”
Should be interesting to see if Simon will be able to bring those UK X Factor ratings back up. Hopefully he’s able to think of something quick!
Good luck!
[Image via WENN.]
The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 31st!
via Break.com
Open Post: Hosted By The Texting Bride
….And I bet this extremely elegant bride’s marriage is still going to last longer than Kim Kardashian’s. I mean, in this day and age the true sign of pure love is pulling your phone out of your bridal tits to update your Facebook relationship status to “married” during the wedding.
via Buzzfeed
Jennifer Love Hewitt & Her New BF Want To Be The Next "Brangelina"
Kate Hudson’s annual Halloween Party is always an A-list affair, but if you had told us that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were going to show up, we would have told you that you were crazy.
And you still are crazy because they didn’t show up – at least not the real Brangelina. Kate had to settle for second best!
Jennifer Love Hewitt apparently stole the show over the weekend with her new BF dressed as the famous pair. If you know your Brangelina, you know this particular ensemble comes from the Cannes Film Festival in 2008.
And such a classy touch adding all the kids on there! Very clever Lovely!
Your guy looks good with that hairdo too! Make him keep it always!
[Image via GSI Media.]
Mr. Schue Toons It Up For Halloween!
P-p-please, Matthew Morrison! Next year, invite us to the party t-t-oo!
On Saturday, Glee’s favorite lover of sweater vests had a killer Halloween party at Voyeur Nightclub in El Lay. The curly-topped cutie got in touch with his inner zany and came as Roger Rabbit!
Love the bow tie! Dare say it is perfect!
Who was his Jessica Rabbit we wonder!
[Image via GSI Media.]
All Hail Slutoween’s Forever Reigning Queen
If the first lady of elegance, CoCo, really wanted to fuck some shock and awe into our brains, she would’ve dressed up as a fully-clothed Amish virgin for Halloween, but then Slutoween would’ve officially been canceled and every ho’s inner slut would have to stay inside. Because the one-night sluts of Slutoween can’t officially stuff their crotches into a Frederick’s of Hollywood costume until they hear the period blood-curdling cry from CoCo’s camel toe as it gets stranged with fishnets and a wad of Spandex.
The cry was heard at CoCo’s Halloween party in Las Vegas on Saturday night when she strut along the red carpet with thighs that looked like precooked Christmas hams busting out of their nets, and her suction cup nipples holding up a metal titty plate. You can say that CoCo went as a slutty hell minion with RiRi head and you’d be correct. You’d also be correct if you said that CoCo went as CoCo going to the grocery store.
And since we’re on the subject of Slutoween, I also threw in some pictures of superstar urinal Kim Kardashian making genitals itch and pores push out milky green pus at her Halloween party in NYC. At least she could blame it on her costume this time.