Chelsea Handler Isn’t Getting On This Anymore

Chelsea Handler used to spend most of her nights wearing a lion mask and trying to scratch at Animal Planet’s Dave Salmoni while he tamed her wild pussy, but not anymore. Chelsea has hung up her lion head for now and is no longer nibbling on Salmoni’s salami. On her show last night, Chelsea pretty much announced that she has demoted Dave from full-time to occasional temp for whatever reason. Chelsea put it like this:

“Up until a couple weeks ago, I was working very intimately with the Animal Planet, but unfortunately, that contract was terminated. However, I enjoyed being in bed with them and may hook up for an occasional project.”

Oh, Chelsea shouldn’t give up on Animal Planet just yet. Yes, Dave handles lions in the wild and has a body that was built to be slobbered on, but obviously he wasn’t strong enough to take on Chelsea (or her morning vodka breath). Screw him! And screw the other dudes on the network too. Literally.

I’m convinced that the dudes on that network are all serious freaks. Take Cesar Millan for instance. Cesar is dominant during the day, but I bet he’s the opposite when the lights go out. Like he probably makes you poke at his peen and go “TS TS TS” before getting on him. And he loves it when you scream “Who’s the pack leader now, bitch” while you’re spanking on him as he’s running on the treadmill. Freaky ass freak! And he’s single! Yeah, Chelsea should definitely call him up.

Here’s Chelsea bringing that quote to life last night: